I’m manic, no doubt about it. After almost two weeks down (some of it pretty rough, but nowhere as bad as it often has been), six days ago I came up – and I have come too far up. I’ve been missing a lot of sleep, but I’ve not been irritable, not making big errors in judgment, not spending too much money. I’ve been feeling good, having a good time at work, being very productive. Let’s call it a manic-depression 4 – significantly expanded.
When I’m manic, expanded, the work is grounding. Here’s one way I worked on that this morning. i was at my Sunday morning ecstatic dance, having a great time. And something happened there which sometimes tends to happen when I’m manic: I started to smile – big smile, big shit-eating grin that just stayed there for a minute or two at a time. i was just that happy, that benevolent, that much liking myself and the other people around me.
So what’s the problem, right? Well the problem has to do with being ungrounded, with getting too high. This ecstatic state (and yes, it is ecstatic dance) can kind of blow the top of my head off, can be too dizzy – it doesn’t get integrated. But this morning I came up with a strategy that worked pretty well: I focused on my feet on the floor. This created a wonderful little energy loop – a connection between my head (where my smile was) and my feet, my high energy and some groundedness. This made me trust the smiling happiness more – and made me realize that it was tending before to have a little out-of-control quality, even a little scary. This groundedness allowed me to move in and out of dancing with other people in a kind of seamless way – enjoying their energy, their dancing, without losing track of mine.
So I was grateful for the smiling, which tends to not happen much when I’m depressed – and grateful for the grounding, which tends to more come out of my depressed state. It was a genuine complex healing state (see the page above) – a real state of relative balance even though I was still mostly manic. It was sweet, precious – and to be savored. Tomorrow I may be depressed, but I still had this. It was real – actually more real because it was grounded, less in my head.